


back from death

by ofstormsandwolves



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Death, Episode: s01e12 Captain Jack Harkness, Immortality, Introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-29
Updated: 2017-08-29
Packaged: 2018-12-21 09:28:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11941221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ofstormsandwolves/pseuds/ofstormsandwolves
Summary: Jack reflects on the life he has been given, and how he is still in search for the purpose his gift was meant for.





	back from death

_“Someone saved my life. Brought me back from death. And ever since then, it’s been like they’re keeping me for something and I don’t know what it is.”_

He hadn’t been lying. He had told Toshiko the truth; or, as much as he could bear to tell her. He didn’t know why he couldn’t die, why he was trapped in a perpetual hell of life and death, forced to outlive friends, colleagues, lovers, in an endless loop. Over a century and Jack Harkness still could not fathom what his purpose was.

He’d been given a gift. An impossible, life-changing gift, bestowed on him by one of his best friends, no doubt with the best intentions. But what were those intentions? What was the reason for his impossible life? Why did he have to live all these decades, forced to let people go, watch them die, or have to leave their lives before they learned the truth about him? 

He could at least understand now, why the Doctor had been the way he had so long ago. Knowing that one day Jack and Rose would grow old, would leave him of their own accord, or grow too old to continue their life with him, or die while he lived and regenerated. He could see why the Doctor had always protected himself a little, shielded himself from the dark days that were yet to come, to the times when he knew he would lose the pair of them.

And it had been Rose who had resurrected him, brought Jack Harkness back from death. Sweet, young Rose, who had been sent away by the Doctor, to protect her. But she’d returned, just like Jack had thought she would, and he knew in his heart that she had been the one to bring him back, even if it was never anything he could confirm with actual evidence. Well, not unless he met the Doctor again, and that was proving fruitless. The few times he’d come close it had always been the wrong Doctor, too early in his timeline, with no idea who Jack or Rose even were, let alone with the ability to tell Jack what really happened on the Gamestation, or how to fix it.

But with well over a century under his belt, and decades working with Torchwood, Jack knew that Rose Tyler must have had her reasons for gifting him this special brand of hell. He knew she would never had put him in this position just for the sake of it, that Rose was too kind and thoughtful to want to hurt him like this. So that only left the possibility that Rose Tyler had big plans for him. That Jack Harkness had a purpose in this world, a reason for this extended life and an inability to die. He’d seen a lot and saved a lot since joining Torchwood so long ago, and while he had never truly felt like he had found his place in the world, he felt like it was his job to protect the Earth when the Doctor couldn’t.  


There were days, though, when he couldn’t bear it. Knowing he’d outlive his friends, knowing one day he’d have to walk away from them for his own sanity. Lying to people, hiding his secret, covering his back whenever possible so as not to draw attention to his gift. 

And sometimes he felt guilty about feeling that way. He had a huge opportunity to help change the world and protect it, Rose Tyler had literally brought him back from the dead, and he knew she always had the best intentions at heart. And so he wanted to do her proud, wanted to do the Doctor proud even though he’d abandoned him. Maybe the Doctor had left him for a reason, maybe everything that had happened with the Doctor and Rose was deliberate; Rose resurrected him and the Doctor left him, entirely possibly for a reason that Jack himself still had yet to discover. They had made him better, the pair of them, and perhaps the Gamestation had been their way of releasing him into the world, gifting him this new life so that he could help them back on Earth.

He’d always hoped that they’d return for him, but that had changed when Torchwood London fell. Rose’s name had been on the list of the dead, and that had put a stop to the waning hope Jack had held for their return. Rose was gone, the Doctor had quite possibly forgotten all about him, and Jack was tucked away in Cardiff still awaiting his orders. They must have had their reasons for leaving him, he’d always told himself, they wouldn’t have just left him. There must be something they need him to do, a purpose to fill, a job to embrace.

Yet he didn’t know what he was supposed to embrace. 

He used to dream, in the early days, of the Doctor’s ice blue eyes, Rose’s smile, the pair of them returning and telling him that they needed his help. That he was special, that his immortality had been given to him to fulfil a specific purpose the pair of them had for him. That there’d been a huge plan that Rose and the Doctor had thought through and discussed, and that they would return and explain it all to him, enlightening him on the purpose of his inability to die.  
But, deep down, he knew that wasn’t the case. He would love to think that Rose made him what he was for a specific purpose, but what purpose would that be? She and the Doctor had no big, grand scheme, no plan that he knew of. And yet Rose had made it so he couldn’t die, so that he would watch family and friends grow old and leave him, while he remained the same.

There’d been a few dark years when he’d hated her for it. Well, tried his best. Because he knew that Rose wouldn’t torture him like this, not deliberately. She was young, she’d saved his life, he should be grateful. And discovering that she’d been lost at the Battle of Canary Wharf had made him feel sick with guilt at the long-ago thoughts that he should hate her for leaving him like this, for ruining his life and destroying his relationships, and trapping him in an endless horrid hell of constant life. But then he remembered her smile, her laugh, the way she was fiercely protective, and charmingly innocent in her youth, and how she would sometimes walk between the Doctor and him, holding one of their hands each, clasped hands swinging back and forth as they explored alien planets. He knew that, even if she did have no purpose for him, no grand idea behind his immortality, she had saved his life and done her best to let him live even after death. And how could he be mad at her for that? 

But still a small part of him clung to the idea that he had a purpose, even after so many years. Because he had to believe that he had a job to do, that Rose’s gift should be embraced, not despised, that he- and the Earth- could benefit from it. And he knew the day would come when he would need to explain everything to the rest of his friends; they worked for Torchwood, they’d seen impossible things, they should be able to handle it.

And, they were his friends. If nothing else, they deserved the truth because they were his friends.

Maybe they could help him find his purpose.


End file.
